Circular Holes

Do you ever wonder sometimes why you do the things that you do?
Why you say the things that you say?

I do. I would love to believe that I am an intelligent and reasonable being, but often my actions and words say otherwise. With the utmost confidence, I can saunter into conversations and believe that I am in control. But I am not. My emotions control me. No matter how hard my brain tries to fight this hideous battle, I cannot win.

I can't.

Sometimes it is a blessing, and sometimes it is a curse. Had I not been defeated in the beginning, I would not have loved you. Had I not been defeated in the beginning, I would not have followed you. But now it is a curse. And I am being defeated. I am weak. Is it a flaw?

Here is another question that I pose for you. Do people truly change? I would love to believe that they do. But, alas, I am being jaded by reality. Maybe the square peg will never fit into the circular hole, no matter how hard I try.

Maybe all was for naught.
Maybe none of it was worth it.
Maybe all the love I tried to give was given in vain.
Maybe it wasn't.

How is one to know? They say you never know until you try. I tried. Why do I still not know?